Overwatch heroes ranked…

…by how much I want their powers.

 

23: Junkrat
Eurgh. Where is the upside here? The poor guy has one leg and decides to carry a mechanised wheel on his back. Couple that with a lack of sanity and all the self preservation of a pyromaniac, being Junkrat would be less than helpful.

22: McCree
Similar to Junkat, McCree doesn’t really have any ‘powers’. He has a gun and he can roll. I might be a little less elegant, but I can already do that.

21: Roadhog
I guess it would be useful being able to hook-shot pie from the fridge without standing up. But then again, I’d also be really self conscious about my weight, so pie would not be helpful.

20: Bastion
Once the initial badass feeling of being a war machine had passed, this would just be inconvenient. You will never eat/drink again and turning into a tank is a niche skill that would wear thin at dinner parties.

19: Torbjörn
I know Torby doesn’t really have any ‘powers’ but he has a brilliant engineering mind. If I could build a turret from scrap I found lying around on the floor, then I can’t imagine ever needing to hire a plumber again.

18: Ana
Again, no ‘powers’. I just want to be able to use a sleep dart to end conversations with idiots.

17: Mercy
On your own, you’re not really going to feel very different. Raising the dead seems neat, though knowing me, I’d just cause a zombie apocalypse. Wings should cure your fear of heights though and make parties a bit more interesting.

16: Zarya
This lady is a literal tank. Take all their equipment/weapons away, Zarya is the one hero I’d least want to go toe-to-toe with. Also, she’s a great LGBTI advocate (at least in fan fic), so she comes with good karma.

15: Reinhardt
A rocket powered hammer would make DIY that much easier. Also, getting from A to B would be pretty fun with his charge.

14: Winston
No one judges a gorilla for scratching its arse in public. Just saying.

13: Zenyatta
I can’t say whether I’d enjoy being a robot, but levitation is a definite bonus. Plus, an orb of discord can fuck up someone’s day if you want it, while an orb of harmony would cheer up your mates.

12: Hanzo
Bow and arrows are just cool. Rambo started it, Far Cry, Tomb Raider and COD perfected it. I want one. Plus, you’ll never need stairs again if you can just run up the side of the building.

11: Soldier: 76
Basically the same powers as Captain America, not bad. Yet being above average at all physical activities doesn’t compare to the more ‘out there’ abilities.

10: Reaper
Teleportation, shape-shifting into fog and summoning shotguns from the ether. That’s what I mean by ‘out there’.

9: Mei
Here’s the scenario, somebody starts talking at you about the merits of Brexit. Logic doesn’t work in this scenario, presenting thorough research, empirical evidence and the advice of trained experts is not compatible with the brain of the average UKIP voter. What does work is freezing them solid and putting a wall between you and them. Ironically, Trump would probably love that.

8: Widowmaker
With Widowmaker you get a grappling hook for instant Batman-points, you’re a great shot with a rifle, you can see through walls and you are one of the rare human beings who can run in heels.

7: D.Va
With the reflexes of a professional gamer, I could actually git gud at Overwatch. Being able to summon a flying mech is also pretty damn useful if you can’t be bothered to walk anywhere, or if someone is really pissing you off.

6: Lúcio
It would be so much fun to be this guy. Not only have you got a personal sound system, if you put on the right track, a dozen people will  feel like they have downed 40 red bulls. That, and wall running is pretty badass.

5: Genji
You are a cyborg ninja. You are so awesome that physics don’t apply to you, double jump away my friend. Double jump away.

4: Pharah
Iron Man was a great film. The idea that you could just rocket up into the atmosphere and rain hell on your enemies is an enticing prospect. Pharah’s abilities replicate this rather well and similar to Iron Man, also earn points for looking stylish as hell.

3: Tracer
You can jump through your timeline and undo fuck-ups. Having an instant redo on the last five seconds has too many applications to list.

2: Symmetra
Getting home from work is that much easier when you can materialise a teleporter from nowhere. Symmetra’s powers aren’t actually fully explored in Overwatch. She can obviously create certain objects out of thin air, including ribbons, chairs, turrets and portals. Yet we don’t know the full extent of her abilities. Could she say, create a hand-glider or a car? I want to try.

1: Sombra
Not only can you teleport, you can turn invisible. There is an extremely long list of nefarious activities for you to participate in while invisible. That and you’re a world class hacker with a computer interface built into your skull. Yeah, you’ve got limited haircut options, but that’s a small price to pay for instant internet access.