AFTER waiting a full decade for it, I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into Final Fantasy XV.
It is massive in terms of geographic size and content.
A lot of this content is superfluous, broken, nonsensical or just missing.
So in no particular order, here are the 15 things Final Fantasy XV has done wrong.
15. The camera:
It likes to stick around inside bushes, so you’re generally stuck with a close up of the local foliage rather than the sweeping vista giant boss fight you’re involved in.
When it isn’t hiding in shrubbery, the camera is providing as much scope as a puckered anus.
Square Enix have made a gallant attempt to incorporate an attack, counter, dodge combat system. Much like Batman or recent Assassin’s Creeds.
This would be great if incoming attacks didn’t require clairvoyance to predict.
Sometimes a prompt will come up for blocking big attacks but generally, 9/10 times, attacks come from off-screen.
The camera was so busy showing you Prompto’s ass and half a boulder that it completely forgot to show you the griffin preparing to gore your face off.
14. Wildlife designs:
Take a wolf/giraffe/turtle/whatever.
Cover it in rocky horn things.
I mean absolutely baste that bitch.
Make their attack animations indistinguishable from every other animation.
Vuala, Final Fantasy XV wildlife.
Well, that’s unfair. Jumping is fine, does exactly what it says on the tin.
It’s also located at the ‘X’ button like a normal game.
Unfortunately, absolutely everything else is also located at the ‘X’ button.
There is a prompt that pops up for other uses of ‘X’, but it likes to do so a second too early.
So, every time you try to open a door, pick up an item or talk to someone, you will start by having a little fight with gravity.
12. The map button:
It seems to dance around the controller.
Sometimes it’s one of the sticks, occasionally it’s a shoulder button and if you’re really lucky, it’ll be in the pause menu; where it’s fucking supposed to be.
She’s a mechanic living in an inhospitable dessert, she would be covered in engine oil, in a boiler suit and maybe a tank top.
Instead she’s wearing less than a stripper and has adopted a Texan accent shared by NO ONE else in the country.
Not only is she over-sexualised, she clashes with FFXV’s entire tone. Where the world is going for a dark and grungy atmosphere set against the backdrop of a world war, she’s opted for the tone of a princess unicorn turd.
10. Low-res map:
Zoom in on the map and it is revealed that FFXV is just a really fancy Minecraft mod.
A.K.A. holding R2.
8. Acclimatising to wait mode:
In wait mode, time stops when you stop. This can be handy and is a clear remnant of Square Enix clinging to turn based battle systems.
But in the first few hours you will always forget about it until the end of the fight when suddenly everything freezes; giving you that little ‘crash’ panic attack.
7. The date:
FFXV save files format the date the American way. You know, the WRONG way: month/day/year.
Even Americans know this makes no sense, just like their evasion of the metric system.
6. Cut scenes:
I genuinely thought my game was broken a few cut scenes in.
It is like they had been cut in half and then had most of the audio and dialogue removed.
They also come out of nowhere, usually without context, so they remain baffling from beginning to end.
5. Flat water:
This planet seems to be coated in cheap linoleum rather than water.
Magic hurts everyone in a fight, including your team.
There is absolutely no reasoning behind, it’s a pain.
There’s no way around this, you frequently have to blow up your mates to beat a beast.
Hold R1 to target, then click L3 to lock on and dodge/attack with that handy extra finger you’ve grown between your thumb and index finger.
Instead of growing an appendage you can turn on the handy “Wait Mode” option, bafflingly hidden in the pause menu, so that’s one hurdle down.
You know when you’re locked on because there is a slight difference between the locked on reticule and the “would you like to target this” reticule.
So that cool combo you’re pulling off is actually taking you half a mile due South instead of into the enemy’s face.
There are also 43 monsters on screen, most are one in front of the other, so you can’t tell what you’re locked on to anyway.
2. Text and numbers are everywhere:
I know it is a trope of JRPGs. Every character/enemy/mob needs an over designed status bar floating around, just in the way.
And every time you stab a bad guy, more numbers pour out of them than blood.
But being a trope doesn’t stop it from being more irritating than a sand-paper butt plug.
FFXV has clearly tried to “Westernise” itself so stuff like this really clashes with its whole vibe.
Also, when coupled with the useless camera, even if you can see what you need to, there is still going to be a clutter of text and digits floating around.
1. It took hours to set it up, on PS4:
To start FFXV you must first update it, I was expecting this.
Game – Downloading: 0.1gb/11gb, estimated time 4hours, go fuck yourself while you wait.
I wasn’t expecting that.
An afternoon of self-molestation later I get to turn the game on. Yay.
Me – Why can’t I select ‘new game?
Timer in corner of screen – Installing: 45mins, go fuck yourself with a stick.
Another violent session later I get to start the actual game. Hmm, I heard the tutorial is pretty vital.
Another violent session later I get to start the actual game.
Me – Why isn’t the display filling the screen?
Game – Visit the options menu.
Me – Okily dokily.
Options menu – Go fuck yourself with a Bonsai tree.
After a good hour fiddling with my TV, PS4 and in game settings I manage to fix it.
The options menu has a screen adjustment section, but all it contains is some incorrect advice on how to change your PS4 settings.
Finally, I get to start the actual game.
Game – Would you like to watch a 2 hour movie followed by an entire anime series and then play a separate game?
Me – …why?
Game – That’s where the plot is.
Me – Go fuck yourself with a salt-dipped cactus.